“Communicate Your Feelings (without starting a fight): What to Say and What Not to Say to Your Partner” by Nic Saluppo provides practical advice for improving communication in relationships. Here are ten key lessons from the book:
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1. Use “I” Statements:
  – Begin your sentences with “I” to express your feelings and needs without sounding accusatory. For example, say “I feel upset when…” instead of “You make me upset when…”
2. Avoid Blame:
  – Blaming language leads to defensiveness and conflict. Focus on expressing how you feel rather than blaming your partner for those feelings.
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3. Be Specific and Clear:
  – Clearly articulate what you are feeling and why. Vague statements can lead to misunderstandings, so be specific about your emotions and the situations that triggered them.
4. Stay Calm and Composed:
  – Maintain a calm and composed demeanor during discussions. Raising your voice or becoming overly emotional can escalate tensions and lead to arguments.
5. Listen Actively:
  – Active listening involves paying full attention to your partner, acknowledging their feelings, and responding thoughtfully. Avoid interrupting and show that you value their perspective.
6. Avoid Absolutes:
  – Avoid using absolute terms like “always” and “never” as they can be exaggerative and unfair. These terms often lead to defensiveness and can escalate conflicts.
7. Validate Your Partner’s Feelings:
  – Acknowledge and validate your partner’s feelings even if you don’t agree with them. This shows empathy and understanding, which can defuse potential conflicts.
8. Take Responsibility:
  – Own up to your part in any misunderstandings or conflicts. Apologize sincerely if you’ve made a mistake, and discuss how you can both move forward positively.
9. Focus on Solutions:
  – Instead of dwelling on problems, shift the conversation towards finding solutions. Discuss ways to address the issue constructively and work together to find a resolution.
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10. Practice Regular Check-ins:
   – Make it a habit to have regular check-ins with your partner to discuss feelings and address any issues before they escalate. This proactive approach helps maintain open lines of communication.
These lessons from Nic Saluppo’s book emphasize the importance of empathy, clarity, and active listening in communication. By implementing these strategies, couples can navigate their feelings more effectively and strengthen their relationship without resorting to conflict.
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